Resolution

I’ve been unemployed now for three and a half months. When I write that down it seems like such a short amount of time, but it’s felt and continues to feel eternal. I think in part this is because my days used to be filled with hustle and bustle, and now almost nothing happens unless I force it to. Let’s take yesterday for example. I actually honest-to-god did not get out of bed until 4 p.m. Now, I had a computer in that bed, but I don’t even remember what exactly it is that I did on that computer. I think at least one-third of my days are like this—I have no idea what exactly it is that I did. I do know that I am doing something day after day. I am teaching myself to cook. I am applying for jobs, but not in that round-the-clock way that it seems like all of the books mention. I mostly feel lost, and like I don’t know where it is that I’m supposed to be going again.

What continues to amaze me about this whole recent graduate experience is how similar it is emotionally to my exchange year in Germany. And when I think about it, there are a lot of reasons for why it would be similar.

1) I’ve just moved.

2) I’m navigating a different way of life.

When I look back, there were so many things that I didn’t know how to do then—ride public transit, pay bills (in Germany I had to see an orthodontist and so I got my very own medical bills at the age of 17—how geeky is it if I mention that I felt so mature and awesome for being able to pay bills at 17, that is, after I totally freaked out that I couldn’t possibly know how to make out a check in German), make friends in a foreign culture, and just generally avoid pissing people off (not to mention all of the things I didn’t know how to say), but what got me through it was some advice from my friend Britta.

The advice: Say “Fuck it” and then just do it anyway.

For whatever reason, what really sticks out in my memory is her saying “I don’t know how to make a bed, but I have to, and so I just do it.” I remember at that moment that making my own bed had been something I also struggled with (and it’s not that I had never been taught how to make a bed—German bed sheets and comforters and pillows are different—see: http://www.karstadt.de/Karstadt/Biberbettwaesche-Piraten-135x200-cm-blau/p/?pfad=597722+884184+878586+878665+878714&pid=2955051), but once I just stood in front of the bed and said to myself “look, I don’t know how this works. I don’t know how to make the sheets look perfectly straight. I don’t know how to get the blanket to fit just right. But, I have to do it anyway,” I was actually able to make the bed. I have used Britta’s philosophy ever since.

I find myself really stifled by fear these days, and I know it’s that same fear that made me feel stuck in Germany. Fear that I don’t know how to accomplish anything. Luckily, having gone through this once before, what I know is key is a good dose of “fake it ‘til you make it.” That’s why I’ve started this blog. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I do know that I just need to start doing. This blog is the beginning of making commitments and having goals, even if the only purpose of the goal is to have one.

What I’ve learned by looking at the days in which I’m happy vs. the days in which I’m not, it really boils down to having a goal. Some days the goal is really small: go to the grocery store. Some days the goal feels really big: finish this cover letter. Right now, I’m creating my longest post-college goal. I am going to blog every weekday. No one has to read it. No one has to comment. For now, I just want to write something everyday. I want to take an hour of my life to reflect and think and put words out into the world, even if they just float around.

Heck, maybe it’ll be just the push I need.